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How to escape the crippling trap of a multi-layered, complex, emotional experience.
Emotional experiences can be multi-layered and very complex. We have got two breakthrough ideas for you this week.
Do you remember feeling trapped under strong emotions, hating yourself and why you’re feeling that way and triangling between anger, self-pity and grief. Our first idea will empower you to embrace strong, unwanted emotions, realize that there is a complex interaction of various values, results and exerted efforts that create an emotional feeling. Ask the right questions. Break up the complex layers of emotions and really simplify that emotional experience to the point that you can direct all that powerful emotional energy towards constructive behaviour.
Our second breakthrough idea is part of our spirituality section and we will empower you with ways you can start experiencing the paradise in this world.
INTRO
In our sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth episode, we have shared several different strategies to master your emotions based on the nature of those emotions. Recently, I was involved in a situation in which a lot of effort was put into a marriage prospect. Things were arranged and it did not work out at the end. As I was discussing with various parties involved, different people felt it in different ways. ANd as I looked deeper into it, I came up with some profound realizations on how complex and multi-layered emotional experiences can be. As I applied different strategies, asked different questions and peeled through the layers I was able to discover more and more. I am now going to share it all with you and I will share with you certain questions and steps that you can following the following two situations:
- You don’t feel like doing what you want to be doing. Or you’re feeling overwhelmed, or disturbed by emotions. In the the first pass with this episode, I expect you to just understand the ideas and the steps. When you’re ready to apply, then you should really slow it down, pause after every question and write down the answer. Think about it and write down the answers. Follow it step by step and you will find amazing results.
So the five step process is what we are calling ISAEM. I-S-A-E-M. Once again we are calling it ISAEM.
So step number one: The I. Stands for Identify the emotion. So which emotion are you feeling? Ask yourself; which emotion am I feeling? Get your gut reaction. If the answer is coming out “I feel ashamed. I’m feeling angry. I’m feeling sad. I’m feeling hopeless, whatever it is write it down. Do not process it. Because if you process it, it will not make sense to you and you will change the emotions name. So write it down as it comes from your gut.
Step number two: Which is the S component, SCORE IT. Ask yourself on a scale of one to ten, how strong is the feeling, how strong is this emotion?
Step number three: Attribute. THe step of attribution is the most important step, it will give you and understanding of different layers and different emotions that are all interacting together. To do this we will use the four steps that we are calling FERM. F-E-R-M
F stands for Future. Ask yourself, what are my future expectations in this situation? Once again, what are my future expectations in this situation? Is it an end? Is it over? Will it get better? Or that’s it? It will keep getting worse and worse?
Regardless of how you feel,, we are not asking you to justify how you are feeling and why you are feeling it, just identify it and write down an associated emotion with it. For example if you feel like; that’s it, it’s over, IM not going to get anything better, you got rejected for a marriage proposal, let’s say that was the best person, that was the only person, there is nobody else better than this person. That’s it. I’m not going to get anything better. Or you got into a divorce or you lost a job, or you lost a client. And you think, “okay, there’s no better client, there’s no better job. There’s no better opportunity out there. How would you feel in that situation? You would feel hopeless, you would feel not having a purpose. So write down those emotions, if you were to feel that way.
Why are we asking you to that? It will become clear as we move onto the next steps. But for now just trust us and do it.
What do you think the future looks like? What kind of emotions would you have if you think the future looked like it?
Next is E. Remember we are doing step 3, which is attribution. Part of attribution is that we are doing it in four steps that we are calling FERM. The first was F which is Future, the second is E which is Effort.
So ask yourself, ‘What efforts did I put into this?’ So if you were rejected from a client’s proposal that you presented to a client, ask yourself how much effort did I put in? Was it too much of too little? How can efforts be too much? Think about it, for anything that you are trying to achieve, the efforts require focus and energy as well as time. So when you are putting focus into something and you’re putting time into something, that focus and time is coming from something else. Sometimes, you might be eating into other areas of your life. You might be proposing to a client. You might be writing a proposal, or preparing a presentation or doing some sort of project and you might be eating into your family time or your spirituality time or your time for your own body such as exercise and diet and nutrition and proper sleep. You’re sacrificing all those areas and you’re putting in time and effort. Imagine if that thing was to fall through. Not only would you be sad, but you also have to make up in all those other areas of your life. So you might feel a bit angry or regretful or ashamed at your own self.
Identifying that is very very important because this will help you understand the different emotions that will result based on how you are feeling. For example If you are feeling that you put in too much effort and that you sacrificed all other areas of your life you might feel a bit regretful or ashamed or angry at yourself. Or you might feel like why did i do that. So identify emotions with that. So then if you are feeling that emotion you would know exactly where it is coming from. If you put in too little effort, then again you know where that is coming from and you know what kind of emotions would you get out of that.
Next step in the FERM is R. Which is reality check. What really happened? This is about actual facts. Sometimes, something would happen and we would try, we would really magnify it in our heads. Or we would really belittle it, so think about it. What exactly happened? If it was a rejection from a client, a rejection from a marriage prospect, or a loss of a job or a loss of a business opportunity, write it down as it is. Don’t try to magnify it and don’t try to belittle it.
The fourth step is M. So within the FERM, we are still doing step 3, which is attribution, and we have this acronym of FERM within step three. M is for meaning. What does it mean to you? What does it tell you about yourself? Does that tell you that you’re not good enough, you’re always unlucky? Whatever that means to you. God is always not giving you what you deserve? You’re always being treated unfairly. Whatever that is, what does it mean to you about yourself? ANd if you were to take that meaning, what kind of emotions would you get?
Once again, we are not trying to justify, we are not trying to talk about if it’s the right way to feel or not, but what are you truly feeling and if you were to feel that way, what kid of emotions was it going to give you.
Next, what does it tell you about others? If you lose a job, or you lose a client of you lose s proposal or get rejected on a proposal from a marriage candidate, or you get divorced, what does it tell you about the other person? About the other party? Are they mean? Are they not realizing your value? Are they being ungrateful to you? What does it mean to you?
Or do you think “Hey, they just have a different point of view.” And you wish them all the best.
Or are you angry at them? What does it mean to you?
Next. what does it tell you about the people on your team? Your friends, your team members, your parents, your relatives and so on and so forth. Who ever was involved in that situation. What does it tell you about them?
Were they by your side?
Are they still with you?
If you were to feel that way, you would have different emotions. You may be hopeful and grateful for new things in the future because you have a great team beside you. Or a great team by you. BUt if you think they are not doing enough for you. They’re stabbing you in the back. You would have a different emotion. So what do you think about the people on your team?
Now that you have gone this done this four step process in the third step of attribution, we’ll move on to the fourth step in the original process which is ISAEM, I-S-A-E-M. So the fourth step is E which is eliminate or accept. All the previous steps that we did in the ferm part, realize which of them are true and which of them, are untrue.
For example; if your meaning for the futures is that the future is that the future is going to be worse, where does that come from? Is it right, is it correct? Is it true? Or is it just the way that you feel? And we’ve discussed it the last episode, that shaytan, satan, puts in that bad thoughts and feelings of hopelessness. ANd forgetting the mercy of Allah (swt).
So where is that coming from, where is your idea of the future is going to be worse coming from?
Where as in the Quran in the kitaab of the speech of Allah, we know Allah (swt) says,
ARABIC VERSE HERE
Indeed, with hardship is ease.
An he, Allah (swt) says that perhaps it may be that you dislike something and is good for you. And vice versa.
And hadith Qudsi, we know that Allah (swt) says that;
I am like my servant thinks of me.
And we know the meaning of tawakkul, reliance upon Allah (swt) that he will bring us what is beneficial for us and what is good for us. And we know what we’re are told as mUslims that when we lose something, what do we say?
In a lillahi wa ina lillayhi rajioon.
Verily, we belong to Allah and all of our possessions belong to Allah and to him we will return. An then the Muslim continues to ask Allah (swt) “Oh Allah, reward me for this loss and replace this for me with something that is better.” That is the attitude. So now you are realizing that “hey, you know what, if I am thinking that the future is going to be worse, than I may feel purposeless. I may feel hopeless and I may not feel driven to take more action in the future, right. So now you have noted an emotion of hopelessness and you know that it comes from a meaning with is untrue that means you need to eliminate that. And if you’re feeling hopeless then you know that this is coming from something untrue so I have to check it up. THis exercise that we are doing will help you whenever you are feeling that “I don’t want to take action. I don’t want to take risks. I don’t want to try.” Now you can relate it back to where it is coming from. Is it coming from a true fact or is it coming from a false perspective.
THis will help you to realize what needs to be accepted and what needs to be eliminated. For things that need to be accepted. Such as;
I am feeling sad because… I put in all the effort and it did not go through. So I am feeling sad. So you will accept it. Now what really happens sometimes is that some people are disturbed. “Hey. why am I feeling sad?” So they’re not upset because they are feeling sad. They are upset as to how can they feel sad. They’re upset, they think they’re weak because they are feeling sad.
So basically, take an example, let’s say if they lose a client. Or if they lose a job. They’re like “okay I’m sad.” But then they’re worried, ‘why am I feeling sad?’ I should be strong enough to feel sad. I know I am better than this. So they’re just upset on the fact that they’re feeling sad. And that may not be the right approach. Because think about it, if you’re feeling hungry, you don’t say “Hey, I should be a superman, I should never feel hungry. I should be a superman, I should never feel thirsty.” Imagine if superman does not feel hunger. That’s the ideas.
Are you upset because you are worried why you are feeling a certain emotion? It is natural for you to feel sad and wounded because you tried and you were expecting something to happen and it did not happen. It is natural for you to feel regretful if you put in a lot of effort and you sacrificed in other areas of your life and you lost out on your relationships and you lost out on taking care of your body and you lost out on taking care of your relationship with Allah and your soul. It’s okay to feel regretful, it’s okay to feel remorse and you should accept it, it’s a good thing. It’s good quality to have. THere’s nothing wrong in feeling that way. Just like how you would feel hunger, and it doesn’t mean that you right away go and eat something and get rid of that feeling because eating may not be the right behaviour at that time. It may not be constructive behaviour. Likewise, if you are feeling sad, or upset or disappointed it’s fine. YOu can acknowledge that. You don’t have to eliminate it, you can accept it.
THe fifth step that we have, which is the M, is moving on. We are talking about our foundational framework, which is ISAEM. I-S-A-E-M. ISAEM. I-S-A-E-M
I is for Identify your emotions
S is for score
A is for attribute
E is for eliminate or accept
M, which we are talking about right now, is the fifth step which is Moving on
WHen you are moving on, the question that you want to be asking is, what do I learn from this? How would I do things differently in the future? WHat are the negative behaviour I am likely to indulge in? Will I go on eating a chocolate or ice cream or not exercising or just sleeping in the whole day. Not trying. Not meeting with people. What are some of the destructive behaviours that I am prone to doing. Just being aware of that, you can realize, look, this is a destructive behaviour. I tend to do it to overcome this emotion, but I don’t have to overcome this emotion. I can continue feeling sad, it’s okay to feel sad. It’s natural to feel sad. It’s okay to feel upset or disappointed because it is justified. I don’t have to indulge in a destructive behaviour to get rid of what I am feeling.
What do I need to do to achieve what I wanted to achieve. So yeah, maybe I got rejected for a marriage proposal. Or I got rejected for job offer. Or I got rejected from a client bid. But what do I need to do to achieve it with the next client. I have to continue doing what I was doing and maybe do a better job at it. I have to keep going from one project to the other. There’s no need for me to stop because I know that in most cases I have to try maybe 100 times and I will only succeed one time. It depends on the nature of the project. The fails in themselves are success for with each rejection I’ll learn something. I learn, I grow, I get better. So i have to just continue moving on
Once you have done this five step process, another thing that we would recommend is to repeat it. Because when you repeat all these steps you may realize new things. As you have checked off, as you have understood some of your emotions, some of your meanings, now if you do it again you might realize some further, deeper layers. So continue repeating the whole five step process until there is nothing more to be learned. This way you have understood all the different, complex emotions that you can feel. And how the emotions can fluctuate from one to the other and why they would fluctuate and what is the reasoning behind it and how you can eliminate or accept it and how continue to move forward.
Let’s move onto our spirituality section, where we focus on the health of our soul and our relationship with the Creator.
Have you ever wondered what is the ultimate possible happiest state in this life? From one of the great people of the past who has realized this is a saying known as;
In this world, there is a paradise like the one in the hereafter. Whoever enters it, has entered the real paradise, but whoever does not enter has not entered the paradise in the hereafter. Or whoever does not enter it, will not enter the paradise of the hereafter.
The prophet (saws) has mentioned and indicated this paradise in his saying:
When you come upon the pastures of paradise, feed on them.
On being asked what theses pastures of paradise were, he (saws) replied, that these are the circles, the gatherings where Allah was remembered.
Realize something; happiness, calmness, joy, peace and tranquility are all creations of Allah (swt) and are bestowed as blessings to human beings. So the one who bestows it, has also given us certain promises around who he gives these blessings to and why and when. One of the verses that he has in his kitaab, his book, Quran says:
INSERT VERSE HERE
Whoever does righteousness, whether he be a male or a female, while he is a believer we will surely cause him to live a good life. And we’re surely give them their reward in the hereafter according to the best of what they used to do.
Allah has given us this notion of a good life and the conditions are good, righteous deeds. THings that are beneficial. Things that are approved and liked by Allah (swt) while being in a state of belief, trust, faith in Allah (swt) and maintaining all the pillars of faith.
Likewise he says in another verse:
INSERT VERSE HERE
And whoever turns away from my remembrance, indeed he will have a depressed life. And we will gather him on the day of resurrection as a blind person.
Now think about it, the more we are heedless about Allah, about who he is, how he runs the world, how things are under his control, how everything that happens has a wisdom behind it. If you forget about all that, and you just dependent on yourself and your friends and your allies and your always thinking about the physical aspect. The physical causes and you forget this divine intervention and you forget the spiritual side of things and you forget that Allah has a complete knowledge and Allah has the complete wisdom, they way you would process the worldly events, the way you would process all these things and attribution around your emotions and your meanings about future and your meanings and expectations about the future would be totally different than the one who is aware of the control and power of ALlah (swt) and is aware of the ability as well as the weakness of the human being.
That person will not compromise his relation with ALlah to achieve some worldly gain. The person would always be hopeful and would always realize that if something did not go according to to his plan, that this plan is not better than the plan of Allah (swt).
You wanted something, you tried something, you worked very hard and it did not work out you would remember and realize and internalize and reflect that “Hey, ALlah (set) has a plan.” He made this choice that this did not happen for me, this did not go the way I wanted it to go but it went the way Allah wanted it to go. And Allah’s plan and Allah’s choice is much better for me than my own plans.
These things, this state of awareness and this state of experiencing the paradise of this world comes be first purely singling out Allah for worship. We love Allah the most. No one is more beloved than Allah (swt) and we do not contaminate our heart with the traits of polytheism. This will be explained more in the future episodes.
Next is to discipline our desires to not fall into sins and staying away from heedlessness. In the state of ghaflah, heedlessness, not being aware of Allah (swt) and not being aware that Allah is watching our actions and our words. One of the severe consequences of this, is that one starts thinking and believing and focusing on things that are untrue. He starts seeing the falsehood as the struth and vice versa. This is the turning of the heart. His heart is filled with doubts and desires and it just becomes upside down. That’s a very extreme punishment to be in. So we ask Allah for a refuge from this state and we ask Allah to continually guide us.
So next time when we are praying, when we’re asking Allah for guidance, especially in surah al Fatihah, to remember that if ALlah were not to keep on guidance and not to increase us in guidance we could fall back turn upside down. OUr hearts could turn upside down.
So let’s take a recap of what we have learned in this episode.
- Emotional experiences can be complex and multi-layered. They often require dealing with all layers in order to channel emotional energy in the positive direction. We discussed our sysyem which we are calling ISAEM. I-S-A-E-M.
- I is for identify
- S is for scre
- A is for attiribution. The step attribution itself has four substeps which we are calling FERM
- Future
- Efforts
- Reality
- Meaning
And the next two steps are E and M, part of ISAEM
-
- E is for eliminate or accept.
- M is for moving on.
So we discussed those steps, it’s time for you to really understand that and give it a shot. Let us know how it works for you.
If you know somebody else who is going through emotional stress, try it out with them. Explain it to them, help them ask these questions to themself and help them channel their emotional energy into a positive direction.
Next, we wish to acquire many different things in this world. What are we truly and really doing
to acquire the paradise of this life. How often do you think about your relationship with Allah? How often do you remember him? How do you remember him? What is the quality of that remembrance? How much remembrance actually happens in salah, in the prayer? How much remembrance actually happens when you’re reading Quran? How often do you ask Allah to give you a goodly life? What one habit can you start today to achieve and make progress towards this state? Towards increasing your friendships and your relationship, strengthening your relationship with Allah? What one habit can you quit to achieve this state? Will you measure it? Will you review it?
Why not?
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Muslim Mastery Breakthroughs is our weekly podcast series in which we share insights on how you can achieve breakthroughs in your life to unlock your spirituality, relationships, and mindset. You will get practical steps towards living a truly extraordinary and fulfilling life in sha Allah.
To check out previous episodes visit Breakthrough Podcast
Got questions or comments? Send us an email at breakthroughs at muslimmastery.com