009: Hidden words cause most relationships to break

Hidden words cause most relationships to break.

You can access the video series here.

What do you do to raw meat or vegetables that you buy from the supermarket?

Do you consume it directly? Or do you prepare it first by cleaning it, and using various sauces, dressings or spices to suit your tastes?

 

A vast majority of relationships can be saved by focusing on communication.

 

There’s a lot of advice out there about how to communicate positively and assertively. But when it comes to listening or receiving comments from a bad communicator, who we care about, just like how you would prepare food according to your taste, you have to intercept their words and then massage them to suit your tastes. It is the massaged and edited version of the comments that you would then feed your heart. Doing this will help you be in a much better and calmer state to handle the feedback and coach others on how to communicate more effectively.

 

Tune into this weeks episode where we will give techniques on how to add an interception, massaging, topping or sweeting layer between your ears and your heart.  We’ll also share tips on how to give better feedback and then conclude with one common misconception about fate and Divine decree.

 

Bismillah. Alhumdulillah. Wa Salat Al al-Salam wa rasulullah. This is breakthrough coach, Zubair.

 

You’re not a good mother!

You never wanted to marry me!

You love your wife more than us!

What don’t you live with your parents?

Why don’t you live with your friends?

You can never learn.

You’re never home.

You never help me.

You don’t know how to communicate.

You never cook for me.

You never help out with the kids.

And so on.

 

These are some of the common complaints that we hear during relationship coaching. Before going into how the person saying these words could have acted more responsibly, and they could have acted and used the words for their own benefit, let’s take a look at what the receiver can do.

 

Firstly, realize that many times what people say is not just.

 

It is dependent on their emotions, stress level, personal upbringing, influence from Satan and so on, Just like how you would prepare food items by cleaning them, dressing them and feeding your body after you have dressed and topped them, you can intercept and prepare the words before letting them hit your heart and play with your emotions. It takes effort and conditioning, but it is possible and much more important than preparing your food.

 

Whenever processing a feedback, consider if you can fit the following phrases somewhere in the feedback;

• I feel like…
• It feels like…
• Did you mean to say…
• Could you explain why you said that or did that?
• It made me feel…

 

The idea is, let’s say someone is saying ‘You’re not a good mother.’ Change that to ‘When you do something like that it makes me feel you’re not a good mother.’ Or, ‘Sometimes, I feel you’re not a good mother.’ You can also massage and change their words to be more just and be more appropriate. And to make it related to the way that they feel rather than an absolute truth about yourself.

 

Once again and make it sound to you in a way that explains and expresses the way that they feel. And not an absolute truth about yourself.

 

That is very important to do.

 

Once you have done that, intercepted, massaged and changed or added to their words, then you will interpret them in your heart. You will be much calmer. You will be much more able to handle the feedback and respond accordingly.

 

As you come to the response state consider these things; you can rephrase their feedback and share it with them.

You mean that you feel such-and-such.

 

Or you can use that to coach them how they could have given their feedback. Another thing to notice is that you are not required to respond right away. You may feel like it, but you are not REQUIRED to. You can just say “Thank you for your feedback. I’m sorry that it makes you feel that way. What can i do to make you feel better?” Or you can say, “You know what, this is not a good time to talk about this. WHy don’t we talk about this after dinner or after lunch tomorrow, or after breakfast tomorrow.” Set up another time that you will address that, but maybe not at this time.

 

Or it doesn’t seem like we are in a good mood to discuss this, can I do something else to make you feel better?

 

When you are ready to discuss that you can ask them to clarify.

What makes you feel that way?

What can i do better to make you feel better?

 

For example if it’s an issue of the husband saying, “I don’t feel respected. You don’t respect me!” Ask him, what are the three top things that make your feel disrespected. And he may say; You don’t agree with me. You argue with me. Then you can go into an example and understand how he would like you to express your disagreement. How would he like you to be assertive about your choices and so on on and so forth.

 

We are not saying to stay in a toxic relationship and always change the way people talk to you. That’s not the topic of this episode. We’re talking about how, if you want to help the other person change, if you want to influence them, if you want to have a positive relatinotion, how can you contribute being a smart listener?

 

On the other hand, look at how the creator, When we talk about the creation, they can be unjust, then can use in appropriate words, but look at how Allah, the creator and his Messenger teaches. WHen they’re talking about the wrongdoers, the hypocrites, the people who are ungrateful, the people who run away from the mercy of Allah and so on, they are actually describing their beliefs, their false hopes and their evil and unjust actions.

 

So realize how we are hurt by people’s comments and feedback and their perception and their feeling about us. Do we really care that much or more about how Allah thinks about us or how Allah sees us or how we stand in front of Allah or how we stand in front of the angels of Allah (swt)?

 

We can take a look at that by taking a look at our choice of words, our actions, how grateful we are how patient we are. How obedient, how submissive, how reliant are we upon ALlah,

 

That is much more important than worrying about how people feel about us.

 

Think about this; if you would do something or we would post something on social media and then we would get a humbling response from our families or coworkers or business partners or clients how would we feel?

 

But what do we think about the response of Allah from our actions.

 

How does Allah see our actions or rewards and so on?

 

Let’s really be concerned about how we are concerned about the creator versus how we are concerned about the creation.

 

Now going back to the person who is speaking, the person who is giving the feedback. Regarding the choice of words. Allah (swt) the one who has created us, the one who is completely knowledgeable about us and our emotions, look at what he says in his book, the Qur’an:

 

And tell my servants to say which is best. Indeed Satan induces dissension among them. Indeed Satan is ever to mankind a clear enemy.

 

Allah (swt) is telling us, advising us, ordering us here to be careful about the choice of words. Because Satan is going to take that as an opportunity and direct us or insight us to misinterpret the words. When we are communications our feelings to another person, remember these points:

 

1. You always want to give them a positive identity. If you associate a negative identity such as ‘You’re a dishonest person or you are a liar,’ and so on and so forth, there’s nothing to influence.

 

If you are associating that they have positive attributes, that they have a positive identity. If you say:

• I know you are a person of integrity.
• I know you are a person of honour.
• I know you love me and I know you would do your best to help me understand and not hurt me, can you explain what you mean by saying this?
• Or ‘Can you explain what you mean by this and that?’
• Or ‘Do you know, when you are always late or when you are late, I feel I am not important enough?’ ‘
• Can you explain, can you help me understand why you are always late?’
• I have been noticing that for the last few times, whenever we had to do this you were always late.
  • Can we change the time of this activity?
  • Can I set up a reminder for you on your phone?

 

That is totally different from you saying:

 

• You know what, I don’t think you love me.
• I don’t think you care about me.
• You’re always late.

 

The next point is:

 

2. Never associate a negative motive. Such as:

• You are always late because you don’t care.

And so on and so forth. Always give them a positive motive or ask why something happens.

 

If you give them a positive identity and positive motive then they will hold themselves accountable to good qualities such as fulfilling their promises, being kind so on and so forth.

 

If they’re not doing that, it means there is some sort of a misunderstanding.

 

Misunderstandings can be clarified.

 

For the last part of our episode, as we always do, we are going to focus on spiritual mastery. We focus on strengthening our relationship with the Creator, the Lord.

 

We have been talking about the power of dua, in the past few episodes. Which is to ask Allah for our needs, our wants, guidance, facilitation, empowerment and so on and so forth.

 

There’s a common misconception from some people, that comes from lack of understanding or lack of knowledge, that they are not seeing dua which is a means for getting our goals.

 

It’s a very unique type of means because it is metaphysical.

 

So there are physical means. If you are thirsty you are gonna go and have a drink of water that is a physical means to quench your thirst.

 

Likewise, if you are hungry, and you need nutrition, you would go and eat food. That’s a physical means.

 

The dua is a metaphysical means, it is spiritual means, if you will.

 

They would say ‘What’s the point of making dua of everything has already been decreed?’

 

Just like things are decreed with their causes, the with the asbab, with the means. So if you eat, then it is decreed for you that your hunger will be removed and that you will be provided nutrition.

 

Likewise, other things can be associated and decreed with the means of dua. With the cause of dua. So if you bring the causes, if you bring the means, the results will follow.

 

That does not go against destiny.

 

The point being, that a smart person would realize, just like Allah has put in physical means, Allah has put in metaphysical means. From the metaphysical means there is the concept and the act of asking Allah. There is the concept and the act of doing righteous deeds. Doing deeds that are beloved to Allah and so on and so forth.

 

Realize that decrees are decreed with means. You bring the means and you will have the results. You bring another means and there will be a different result.

 

For example, if you bring good deeds, you will earn the love of Allah and you will earn paradise.

 

If you bring evil deeds, and persist in them, you will go towards the displeasure of Allah (swt).

 

If you bring the evil deeds and cleanse them with sincere repentance, you can go towards the love of Allah and paradise again.

 

Alway think about ‘What can I do? What means, what causes can I take to bring the results that I desire, that I truly want.

 

Let us summarize;

 

1. We talked about how to be a smart listener.
2. We talked about preparing, massaging, dressing, cooking, marinating, barbecuing, adding sweeteners or toppings to the words that we receive and let it be massaged and prepared before it reaches our hearts and plays with our emotions.
3. Giving feedback: use a positive identity for the person you are talking to. Give them a positive motive. Ask for clarification.
4. Use the metaphysical means, the spiritual means for your success.

 

Until next time. SIgning off…

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Muslim Mastery Breakthroughs is our weekly podcast series in which we share insights on how you can achieve breakthroughs in your life to unlock your spirituality, relationships, and mindset. You will get practical steps towards living a truly extraordinary and fulfilling life in sha Allah.

To check out previous episodes visit Breakthrough Podcast

Got questions or comments? Send us an email at breakthroughs at muslimmastery.com

 

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