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Why You Must Say No and How Do You Say It?
Almost everyone who has miserably failed started with “Let me just try it. Let me give it a shot. Let me have a look at it.”
But hang on.
Yes, the same is true for those who have been immensely successful as well. They started. The breakthrough idea for this week is that it’s not how small or how slow the start is but how dangerous or successful the chosen route is. While we are at it, we will also discuss how to say no to people, ideas or events. We will share a simple but profound insight into what saying “yes” implicitly implies and we can’t wait to share our breakthrough matter for around quicksand.
OPENING DUA
I think it’s a no-brainer that if you don’t start your week or day with a plan your most likely going to end it doing things that are not the most important ones. It really depends who influences your choices around what you spend your time on. But in general, without a plan beforehand. One is most likely to not use time most wisely. For those of you who do start with a plan, here is a very important breakthrough idea. Once you have a plan every yes to someone or some other action is an implicit no to someone else or something else. Remember:
In the moments of your decisions your destiny is shaped.
And this is a key breakthrough concept from Qur’an. Allah (swt) says;
INSERT VERSE HERE
Indeed we guided him to the way. Whether he be grateful and ungrateful.
There is a choice that we are always making. The choices are around how do we want to be, who do we want to be, what do we want to see, hear, say, do, etc. What we spend our time on is a very ket thing to be aware of. The more aware we are, the conscious our choices will be. If you really want to take the challenge, try out something called time logging. THis is an idea or habit of logging the time on different activities throughout the day and throughout the week. An app that is pretty good for this is TOGGLE. Type it out and check it out.
There are many times when we have to say no. Either to certain people or to certain activities, certain tasks. Reading or watching certain content or just saying no to spending more time on social media.
We don’t do it because we fear we will miss out on some important things or some important news or some key information. That’s a very common excuse. But it is very detrimental to your success. You’re much more likely to succeed if you don’t want your time on unplanned things. IF you know certain meetings, events or gatherings do not meet your needs, are not good for your mindset and aftereffects are very dangerous. Avoid them. Likewise, you might have to cut down certain relationships, certain friendships, etc.
Note, we are not saying to turn and turn down all the relationships and friendships.. You have to choose wisely.
Some people you may owe to. Like your parents, your relatives. There’s a big responsibility towards them so your decision-making around them will be different to what your decision making process will be for friends and colleagues. Questions that you might want to ask are:
- What are the pros and cons of maintaining this relationship?
- How much contact do I want to be in?
- How much time do I want to spend with them or on a certain activity?
- How do I gradually withdraw?
When you say no, you actually enable yourself to say yes to more important people and more important activities.
How do you say now?
That’s a big question that many have. So here are a few tips around saying no:
- Saying no does not have to be rude.
Thank the person for the idea, the offer for the opportunity but clearly say no.
That is our second point.
- How to say it clearly.
If you are not clear and you are beating around the bush, it will be hard to get out. THe person will try to change your mind. They may try to take you to a guilt trip and so on and so forth. The quicksand metaphor that we will be sharing at the end of the episode also applies in this scenario. So be clear “I’m sorry, I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I won’t be able to attend.” So on and so forth.
- Be careful.
Do not give an excuse or an explanation all the time. It depends on your relationship as well as on the receiving person if you should give an explanation or not. Some people try to negotiate the explanation or weigh the explanation and may put you in a guilt trip that ‘Hey, this is something that is more important to you than my offer?’ And so-on and so-forth. Certain times, you would give an explanation, but most of the time you don’t need to.
If you find it hard to do it in person, or face to face, ask for some time to think about it and then reply via text or email saying that you won’t be able to do it but you thank them for the offer.
Finally, consider giving a counter offer. If you can’t attend an event being hosted by a friend, you could offer to catch up on coffee or lunch later or the same day or at a different time during the week. If you can’t attend an in-person meeting, you can offer to have a phone call for a specific amount of time.
Remember, rid of stuff and commitments is very important for your own growth. It’s like pruning all the dead branches from a tree. There are times you have to let go, times you have to reduce, times you have to elevate yourself and elevate others to be able to delegate the tasks that you are best at. Now you can free up time for things that you want to do or things that you want to go into doing.
Continuing on our discussion in our spiritual breakthrough section, last week we discussed how the evil forces of shaytan plan and strategize on capturing the human heart. By increasing the desire, by making false promises and by capturing different faculties of a human being eventually getting the heart as a captive.
Ibn Qayyim (rahimahullah) mentions in his book “The Disease and the Cure and he continues to describe the scenario, the strategy of the enemy. And this time we will be discussing out he uses the eyesight. The eyes of a believer.
The idea is to realize that the eyesight and the seeing are keyt things. Shaytan and his allies incite and allures the human into seeing things that are forbidden. The more they seem them, the more they desire them, the more fase promises are made the desires are increased and then the actions are then taken.
Instead of using the eyesight for reading or watching or seeing beneficial things to reflect upon and to learn from. The person invests time and energy and effort into seeing things that are forbidden by the Lord of the Universe.
And when he does that, the shaytan gives him an excuse and makes it beautified to him that at the end of the day you are just seeing the beauty created by the god himself.
So by seeing the beauty you are actually praising the god. This type of false reasoning, although it may convince a person with lack of knowledge or a strong amount of desires, it’s obviously false and untrue. If he fails to do that, then he would try to take it to the next level and try to bring in the idea that of a unification of the Creator and the creation. THat everything is a reflection of God and that there’s God in everything. He comes and takes one from a true understanding of monotheism, to a false understanding of unification of creation and the creator.
Likewise, he will take capture of the hearing and will make him hear things that are false promises, falsehood, desires and waning desires. And take him away from listening to beneficial things. If the word of Allah or his Messenger (peace be upon him) reaches the ears then he tries to bring in confusing thoughts, false interpretations and so on and so forth. The idea is that these two faculties are very important.
As Allah (swt) says:
INSERT VERSE
And thus we have made for every prophet and enemy from among the criminals. But sufficient is your Lord as a guide and as a helper.
The lesson here is to be aware of how open one becomes to trials. How much risk we are putting ourselves into once we start following the footsteps of shaytan.
How many have started their addiction to smoking or drugs by just trying it once?
How many have started their addiction to porn by just checking it out once?
The takeaway here is that once you start to come out of it, it’s not trivial.
If, at this point in your life, you’re being lured into a territory a type of sin that is itself forbidden or is known to be leading to forbidden areas, just stay away from it. Don’t even try it. Because if you try it, you’re putting yourself into huge risk. And if you’re already into it, the longer you stay and the longer you keep saying to yourself, ‘let me just do it one last time,’ it will become harder and harder to come out.
It’s like someone standing at the edge of quicksand and considering to try it out. He steps in very carefully. Now it depends on the strength of the person himself. External security surrounding him and the type of quicksand itself. This would determine how quickly he can step out or how deep would he sink in. Or how long would he remain stuck in it. You’re not saying that obviously, quicksand can drown you to death, but it does limit you. It does capture you and makes it easy for the enemy to completely take you over. At the very least it takes away time, energy, effort and focus from you that could have been spent doing all other great things.
If you’re already in some kind of a bad habit, think of it like being in a quicksand and the quicker you come out, the safer you will be. The longer you stay, the more energy you lose and the less likely it becomes for you to come out especially if the forces of shaytan and your desires and your heedlessness lets you be completely taken over.
How many youth have missed out on prime time to unleash their potential by being sunk in emotional drama by approaching opposite gender in an inappropriate manner. Causing them emotional hurt. How many of them are currently contemplating taking this route? Without focusing on developing their own intellectual capital, self awareness and emotional mastery.
At the core of this all is the breakthrough comes when the person realizes his or her own relation with the Creator and understands what is in the power of the Creator and what is in his or her own power. And realize that ultimate power and control belongs to Allah.
And to realize the worth and the completion of human knowledge combined versus the perfection and the completeness of the wisdom and knowledge of the Creator.
Action items from this episode are:
1.Who or what needs to be said more ‘no’ to?
- What is your action plan around saying no in the upcoming week?
- If you’re thinking about doing an activity that you want to do just one time or just one last time and you know you should not be doing it, then don’t do it.
We have talked about the importance of keeping an eye on the dashboard by looking at your daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly and yearly progress by doing check-in meetings and accountability meetings with yourself or an accountability partner or a coach.
What will you add from this episode to your check-in meetings?
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Muslim Mastery Breakthroughs is our weekly podcast series in which we share insights on how you can achieve breakthroughs in your life to unlock your spirituality, relationships, and mindset. You will get practical steps towards living a truly extraordinary and fulfilling life in sha Allah.
To check out previous episodes visit Breakthrough Podcast
Got questions or comments? Send us an email at breakthroughs at muslimmastery.com