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Use simple Trick to avoid damage in any relationship.
You are listening to Muslim mastery breakthroughs, a podcast series in which we share insight on how you can achieve breakthroughs in your life to unlock your spirituality, relationship and mindset. You will get practical steps towards living a truly extraordinary and fulfilling life Inshallah.
Use simple trick to avoid damage in any relationship.
In Episode 5 we talked about the importance of timing and saving and nourishing Relationships. Today’s Breakthrough idea is a technique that every fighter practices to avoid damage. It is a sure way to minimize the damage. But what it needs you to be alert and aware, as well as it will require you to practice and really condition yourself. In our spirituality section we will start looking at where’s the obstacles that prevent us from living in a paradise in this world. We started talking about it in our last episode and today we will start discussing the first obstacle to that state, and share ideas on how to practically protect yourself, and heal yourself from it.
Bismillah. Wallahumdulillah Wa Salat Al al-Salam wala rasulullah. This is your breakthrough coach, Zubair.
Last week we were discussing our moral of understanding your emotions. We talked about I-S-A-E-M and F-E-R-M models. Alhumdulillah, we have received amazing feedbacks on that and we would love to hear from you how it has been working for you. Especially if you are in a situation, you think you cannot fully understand your emotions and you have tried applying our framework to it, we would love to hear if there is any gap that you are finding.
Ok, now for today’s Breakthrough idea, there is a very effective technique that every fighter practices, whether it’ll be a boxer, or any other martial arts practitioner, a military aircraft fighter, or a navy seal. That it is just slip a punch, or dodge a missile. that’s correct. Every boxer, every martial art practitioner knows that they spent a lot of time just practicing how to slip or dodge a punch. Likewise if you know aircraft fighters, F16 Pilots and all they practice, practice, practice how to dodge missiles. Any ways this is very important technique but several times we don’t use it. Simply speaking the technique is to get out of the way. Yes that’s it, get out of the way! So if you see your spouse, your child or your parents extremely angry and speaking irrationally, just get out of the way. The more you interact, the more harsh words you will hear and you know what? they may be not even truly coming from them. When one is extremely angry and frustrated, many times he or she is speaking under the influence of his negative traits, his or her own ego and devils is around him. Why would you want to argue with that person in that state?
Likewise in the Quran, in the Kitaab of Allah (S.W.T). Allah (S.W.T) instructs us, telling us the qualities of the people that he appreciates, that he admires, and that are close to him. And He says “When they address the ignorant ones, they say: peace.” (Quran 25:63) And they move on, Right? So we are not saying that your spouse, your parents, or your children are ignorant one. It is that in that state, there’s no point of arguing. They are not understanding, they are not comprehending and they are not analyzing your arguments. So the best way in that scenario is to get what you want, is not to respond. Because he or she is really not processing or thinking your arguments. And what would happen is you may end up speaking under your own ego and Devils around you that influencing you and it will just become a mess. There was a client of mine who would get very upset and angry if her husband would swear. So whenever that would happen she would call him out, and say Hey! Look you’re swearing and we’ve agreed you shouldn’t be swearing in this and that, and yes, sometimes it can work especially if it’s done politely, but what would end up happening is that the husband would swear more and more.
So she’s not getting what she wants, but she’s not thinking that the best way for her to get what she wants which is at that point is for him to stop. So just get out of the way.
Ok, so what do you do when you get out of the way? Well, that’s for another time, but for now is to remember to get out of the way is your friend. Condition your mind, picture it, and imagine a situation in which you are in conflicts, and discussed in your head, and visualize in your head how you will get out of the way. Once you are out of the way, remember that you don’t have to react right away. You can take your time. Think like a chess player. Put a strategy in place and act at the right time, respond at the right time. Anyways we’ll continue our discussion around this.
Let’s move on now from focusing on our relationship with people, to our relationship with our Creator. We talked about how this world can be a very blessed and blissful place by having a sound heart by striving for a Sound heart which is referred in Arabic as Qalbun Saleem. The closer we get to this state of our heart, the more we will be mastering our emotions, and even in times when people would be panicked, stressed, anxious and suffering from grief. Someone with a sound heart would be calm, hopeful and fully trusting and depending on his lord. While taking actions that he hopes to be blessed by his lord. So even though he will be calm and will be experiencing an amazing amount of trust and hope, he will still be taking actions.
In his book, the disease and the cure by Ibn Qayyim (R.A). He mentions there are the things that prevent and whaled the heart from achieving this sound state is a Shirk. He discusses several forms of this disease, but what we are concerned with today for our episode is a very settle and hidden form of that disease. From those that do believe in Allah, they do believe that Allah is the creator of everything. He is the one who gives. And he is the one, who prevents, without his permission no one can receive any benefit or can be afflicted with any harm from the people who know and believe it all. They still give part of what is only deserved by Allah, a part of what truly belongs to Allah. They give it to others, and a time they give more often to others than what they give to Allah (S.W.T).
Firstly, to support this claim, let’s take a look at one of them the narration from the Messenger of Allah (S.A.W) that Ibn Qayyim brings in his book. The Messenger of Allah (S.A.W) has been reported to have said: “O People, beware of this Shirk. It’s a form of polytheism for it is the more subtle than the footsteps of an ant.” One of the companions asked Prophet of Allah (S.A.W) how we can be aware of it when it is more subtle than the footsteps of an ant. The messenger for Allah (S.A.W) advised them and instructed them to say: “Allahumma inni a`udhu bika an ushrika bika wa ana a`lamu wa astaghfiruka lima la a`lamu” So right away, as he described a hidden danger, a settle danger, He taught them a way to depend on Allah, to seek Allah’s help and protection from this settle danger, and he taught them a dua, a way to ask Allah for protection which means: “O Allah. I seek refuge with you from knowingly associating anything with you and I seek your forgiveness for that which I do unknowingly.”
Amazing, isn’t it? So what happens to such actions that are supposed to be only for Allah, and one starts having a share of it other than Allah, and that other than Allah could be his himself, His own ego, his own desires, his own self-ego, or for other people, or for the community, and so on and so forth. So when actions are done like that, they are rejected by Allah. So if it’s a voluntary action that would get one closer to Allah. If one does that, having it contaminated by other desires, other intention to seek fame, to seek a status, to seek praise from people, that action is rejected.
Now imagine if that action was obligatory action. So if an obligatory action is contaminated with it, the action is rejected, it is as if the person did not even fulfill his own obligations, In which case the person is eligible for punishment from Allah. We know this from another Hadith that is reported by the messenger of Allah (S.A.W) which says that:
“Allah (glorified and exalted be He) said: I am so self-sufficient that I’m in no need of having an associate. Thus he who does an action for someone else’s sake as well as for me, will have that action renounced by Me, rejected by Me, to him whom he associated with Me.”
Look at that. So if you have two intentions you want to do it for Allah and you also have a side intention that you’re doing it to seek approval, to receive praise from people, right? There you go. It will be rejected by Allah (S.W.T).
Now we’ll be discussing how emotions and actions, or actions that are solely to be done for Allah giving a part of what belongs to Allah, the lord of the heavens and earth to someone else. How it’s a disease and a will that prevents one from getting to that sound heart.
Let’s take a look at the state and emotions of love, glorification, humility, submission. When one loves, glorifies, humbles towards, or submits to someone else other than Allah, to a degree to an amount that is same or more than what he does for Allah (S.W.T). This is a form of associating partners with Allah. This is a form of shirk. And that type, that form is not forgiven. because it’s a very lowly and ugly thing to do. Think about it. when this is done it is as if one is making someone more worthy or are an equal partner to Allah. May Allah protect us from this! It is bringing the creation to the level of the Creator, bringing a poor limited person, limited in all sense ,physical sense, as well as intellectual sense. He is totally limited person, and you are bringing it to a level of the one who is completely perfect, who is independent, the one who has complete knowledge, complete wisdom, control, ownership and authority.
Allah says in His book, verse Quran 2-165
“And yet among the people are those who take other than Allah as equals to him. They love them as they should love Allah, but those who believe are stronger in their love for Allah. and if only they who have wronged would consider that when they see the punishment they will be certain that all power belongs to Allah and that Allah is severe in punishment.”
So this is something that they are neglecting right now, their heedless of it right now, but they will realize that later. As you have learned this, there are some things we should be analyzing.
- Firstly, are we asking for Allah?
- Are we asking for Allah to be most beloved to us?
- Are we asking Allah to give us the love of Him?
- And how frequently are we doing it?
- How consistently are we doing it?
- Do we plan; do we intend to change this?
Remember if you don’t take action nothing will change.
So maybe pause the audio and start planning some actions. How much concern we are about how others view us? How others approve us and like us, and how much concerned are we about how much does Allah like us?
Imagine how your life would be if you’re seeking only Allah’s approval all the time? How empowered will you be? How unbreakable will you be?
This reminds me of the statement of Ibn Taymiyyah (R.A) which is quoted and reported by Ibn Qayyim (R.A). He said that sheikh Ibn Taymiyyah (May Allah have mercy on him) said to me:
What can the enemies do to me? My paradise and my garden are in my heart. They are with me wherever I go and they never leave me. If I’m imprisoned this is then it is seclusion for worship. If I’m killed then that is martyrdom. If I’m killed then it is martyrdom. If they expel me from the land then it is tourism, beautiful right? And very powerful!
It is also possible for us to get to that sort of mindset, but will take time, efforts, focus, when we make it a priority and focus, it will happen in InshaAllah.
So let’s summarize. in this series the whole podcast series we have been discussing actions and emotions that help us get closer to Allah. They help us strengthen our relationship with Allah and we have emphasized on how this will make us stronger and help us live in an amazing quality, in this life as well as the life of hereafter. We have discussed how this will lead to several different forms of Blessings, protections from invisible allies that are angels and so on.
In the same time there is a very settle danger here. If we do not purify those actions from having shares for others, we will end up harming ourselves.
So now that we have realized the settle danger and a settle disease. We should be taking measures and steps to protect our-selves from it. The most important thing that we can do is to first realize that it exists and that we are not safe from it.
A lot of people don’t realize that it exists. And if they realize that it exists they think: you know what this is not applied to me. It applies to someone else, it applies to that person, it applies to that person on the TV, doesn’t apply to me.
How can you be safe when the messenger of Allah (S.A.W) told us to be extremely careful and aware of this?
So once we realize it is present it can affect us. It is already affecting us to a certain degree. We would realize that we are so dependent on Allah and we’ll ask Allah to protect us and heal us from it and will do this consistently.
Next, be careful! The age we live in is the age of social media to avenues of having our deeds corrupted or even higher. With all the selfies, social media sharing and all, even though when we do that we always have a justification. We are sharing this so that people can be happy, we are sharing this to inspire people, and we’re sharing this to remind people, this and that. Everybody has an excuse. But remember is it worth taking the risk?
How much concern am I about the likes and approves I get on social media compared to my thinking, my concern that if Allah will like and they approve my actions. Will Allah like and approve my words or will he reject it? How much do I care if Allah is seeing me sleeping as a time of Fajr passes? How much concern am I about Allah’s approval likeness of my behavior, my manners, my words and my outfit?
What steps will I take to continue growing my relationship with Allah? How will this happen if I don’t spend time reading his book remembering him or learning about him? What habits, what schedule do I need to put in place? How will I measure them? How frequently will I measure them?
The choice is yours. You can have a plan to implement these ideas or just listen and move on. What would you do? And we want to bring to your attention a very important caveat. Not every action that is done in public means that it has been contaminated with shirk, does not mean that every public action has been contaminated with this disease. There are chances for it to get contaminated by default means that it is contaminated. Many people there like oh I don’t want to come to class, I don’t want to have a teacher, I don’t want to have a coach because I’m doing it for the teacher.
So what they would end up doing is that they would go on the other side and they would not come and they wouldn’t do it properly either. So remember not every public action by default means that it’s contaminated.
Likewise you could be doing things privately, but it may be contaminated. So you could be fasting and nobody knows that you’re fasting but you’re doing this because you know it’s your own soft challenge. You know, I’m a strong person; I can live without eating and drinking. I’m going to work out on top of it as well. So you are doing it for your own ego. It makes you feel good. You feel that ego; you feel that challenge you thinking of yourself better than the other people. So you’re doing it for that and you’re doing it privately so it’s a very settle thing.
Finally as a reminder don’t forget many times. The best strategy is to get out of the way. Remember get out of the way, practice it, visualize it and do it. That is to influence without interacting.
Anyways until next times, Subhanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika, ash-hadu an la ilaha illa Anta, astaghfiruka wa atubu ilaika
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Muslim Mastery Breakthroughs is our weekly podcast series in which we share insights on how you can achieve breakthroughs in your life to unlock your spirituality, relationships, and mindset. You will get practical steps towards living a truly extraordinary and fulfilling life in sha Allah.
To check out previous episodes visit Breakthrough Podcast
Got questions or comments? Send us an email at breakthroughs at muslimmastery.com